Slow sex: more arousal, more comfort

Slow sex is an unhurried approach to intimacy that gives arousal time to build before, or instead of, penetration. It matters for comfort because a fully aroused body is physically better prepared for penetration: the vagina lengthens and widens, natural lubrication increases and the pelvic floor muscles relax. Many couples also find that slowing down makes sex more enjoyable.

What slow sex means

Slow sex is less a technique than a change of pace. It usually involves:

• more time for kissing, touch and closeness before anything else
• attention to sensation instead of a goal such as orgasm or intercourse
• treating penetration as optional, not the main event
• checking in with each other along the way

It overlaps with approaches used in sex therapy, such as sensate focus and mindfulness-based work, which also shift attention from performance to sensation.

What happens in the body during arousal

Arousal is not only a feeling. It is a series of physical changes that prepare the body for sex, and they take time.

• Blood flow increases to the vulva, clitoris and vagina. The tissues swell and become more sensitive.
• Natural lubrication increases, as fluid passes through the vaginal walls.
• The vagina lengthens and widens. This is sometimes called "tenting": the upper part of the vagina expands and the cervix and uterus lift slightly upwards.
• Muscles relax. In a calm, aroused state the pelvic floor tends to soften, making penetration easier.

If penetration starts before these changes have happened, the vagina is shorter, drier and tighter than it will be a few minutes later. That can cause friction, stinging at the entrance and a sense of pressure or bumping deeper in, which is one reason why deep pain often eases with more warm-up time.

Why rushing makes sex hurt

The link between rushing and pain is one of the most common, and most fixable, causes of discomfort during sex. Jean Hailes and ACOG both list insufficient arousal and lubrication among the common causes of painful sex.

Rushing also tends to feed itself. When sex has hurt before, the body anticipates pain and the pelvic floor tightens protectively. Tense muscles make penetration more difficult, which causes more pain. Over time this can contribute to a hypertonic pelvic floor or vaginismus. Slowing down interrupts that cycle by giving the body a chance to relax first.

Responsive desire plays a role too. Many women feel desire only once intimacy has started, as explained in the article on low libido. If penetration comes before desire has had time to build, sex can feel like something to get through rather than something wanted.

Outercourse: sex without penetration

Outercourse means sexual activity without vaginal penetration. It includes:

• kissing and full-body touch
• massage, with or without oil
• touching or stroking the vulva and clitoris
• oral sex
• mutual masturbation
• rubbing genitals together without penetration, often with lube

For many women, outercourse is where most of the pleasure is, since the clitoris is the main source of sexual sensation and is often not stimulated much by intercourse alone. Outercourse also gives couples a way to stay close during periods when penetration hurts, after childbirth or surgery, or during treatment for conditions such as vulvodynia.

Taking penetration off the table for a while, by agreement, often lowers anxiety enough that arousal comes more easily. Some couples find that when penetration is later reintroduced, it is more comfortable than before.

Slow sex at different life stages

Slowing down is useful at any age, but it matters even more at certain points in life. After childbirth, healing tissue, breastfeeding hormones and tiredness all reduce lubrication and comfort, and a gentle, unhurried return to intimacy is usually easier on the body. Around and after menopause, lower estrogen levels mean arousal and lubrication often take longer, and the vaginal tissue can be thinner and more sensitive to friction.

Health conditions and medicines can have a similar effect. Some antidepressants, for example, slow arousal and orgasm. In each of these situations, more time and more lube are a sensible starting point, alongside medical advice where needed.

How to slow down in practice

A few practical ideas to try:

• Set aside time. Sex squeezed into the last ten minutes before sleep is hard to slow down.
• Agree that penetration is optional. Decide in advance that a session can end without it.
• Start away from the genitals. Neck, back, arms, thighs. Let arousal spread before moving inward.
• Use plenty of lube. A water-based lube is a safe all-round choice. Read more in how to choose a lube.
• Let the receiving partner lead. She decides when, how deep and how fast.
• Pause after entry. Staying still for a moment lets the muscles adjust before movement.
• Breathe low and slow. Slow belly breathing helps the pelvic floor relax.
• Talk. Short check-ins such as "slower" or "more of that" keep both partners on the same page.

When slowing down is not enough

Slow sex helps with discomfort that comes from too little arousal, but it is not a treatment for every cause of pain. Persistent pain may point to conditions such as vaginal dryness, vaginal atrophy, endometriosis, vulvodynia or pelvic floor dysfunction. If sex still hurts despite plenty of time and lube, a GP, gynecologist or pelvic floor physical therapist can help find the cause.